The Case Against The Beatles

Duration: 40 minutes
Equipment: Elliptical (setting four)
Calories: 750

Bob Mould "Black Sheets Of Rain"
It's a testament to how well your day is going that you can enjoy this song (Sample lyric: "Someone stop the sun from shining") without anti-depressants. It rocks hard. I had the privilege of seeing Husker Du on the "Warehouse" Tour when it stopped in Chapel Hill (probably '86). To see a balding, overweight, schlubby guy producing standing ovations with his Flying V gladdened the hearts of schlubby guys everywhere. I still don't believe the stories that he produced scripts for the Worldwide Wrestling Federation in the early '00s, but I kind of hope that's true, too.

The Pretenders "Private Life"
Taken from a live show during the very brief period when the awesome James Honeyman Scott and Pete Farndon were still alive, this song demonstrates how to rock at a pretty slow place with unbelievable intensity.

The Beatles "Revolution 9"
Were the Mop Tops over-rated? Well, this seven minutes of lysergic noodling--with the aid of a full orchestra--makes a pretty convincing case. You may call that heresy, but fans of the world's biggest boy band too easily forget some of the most self-indulgent crap in the band's catalog, this being but one example. I listened to all seven excruciating minutes of '9' simply because of the rigid rule against skipping. That rule may be revisited.

Pearl Jam "I Won't Back Down"
From the "Live at the Gorge" 7 CD set. This cover of the Tom Petty song is great in that it sounds almost nothing like its originator. It's pretty clear the band had the crowd in the palms of their hands that night.

Bruce Dickinson "Tattooed Millionaire"
The voice behind Iron Maiden does not want to be like all the other tattooed millionaires. Ahh, finally a spokesman bringing forth a message that dozens, possibly scores of well-to-do metal fans can relate to. Great chorus, though.

H.I.M. (His Infernal Majesty) "Wings Of A Butterfly" Sounds nothing like what you'd expect gloomy goths from Finland to sound like. A song about pulling the wings off a butterfly is an uplifting, hummable, feel-good confection. It may be the only H.I.M. I've ever heard. I might have to go digging for more.

The Beatles "I Will" From the 'White Album,' this is the starting point of the saccharine road that ultimately led to "Ebony & Ivory" and "The Girl Is Mine." It couldn't have been easy for Manson to get The Family to sit through this over and over again. Best thing about it is it's only two minutes long.

Savatage "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo)" The Metal Lite classic that kicked off the whole Trans-Siberian Express phenomenon. Took the family to see TSE in November, and, have to say, I really enjoyed it. I've seen impressive stage shows with explosive pyrotechnics, impressive lasers, scores of singers, but I've never seen all that presented at once. They pretty much packed the Coliseum, and nobody went home disappointed, aside from one geezer who dragged his family out by song three.

Liz Phair "Little Digger" Ever wonder how your relationship with super-hot Liz Phair is affecting her toddler? Liz helpfully tells you exactly how he's feeling about it in a way that suggests you're not viewed as a long-term participant in her little family drama.

Glyder "Gambler's Blues" Glyder are, I think, Irish and have been hailed as some sort of reincarnation of Thin Lizzy and bands of that era. I admire their technical proficiency and ability to sound like an arena-rocking band circa 1978, but it's clearly a facsimile lacking anything new to offer. The production's a little too polished for my tastes, too.